“Again!” my tae kwon do instructor
shouted, commanding the class to
another repetition of the fighting
combination we were learning. The moves
were difficult, and I was already tired from a
long day at work.
With each repetition, my arms and legs felt
heavier, and I began to hold back, conserving
my energy while hoping that no one noticed.
Because I was the highest-ranking black belt,
I had the senior position on the mat in front
of two dozen students, a position where my
every move was visible and expected to be
an example for others to follow.
As my instructor moved among us, inspecting each person’s form and technique, I was
careful to give my best when he was near
and then rested when he walked away. In
this way, I believed I was maintaining my
image as the senior student without actually
having to exert the effort.
It was in one of these moments of executing the movements halfheartedly that I
was surprised by the whispered voice of
my instructor close behind me.
“Who are you when no one is watching, Mr. Huling?”
Even now, I can recall how I felt at
that moment. At the instant I heard his
voice, I realized that there was no
shame in being tired or unable to perform at my highest level; the shame was
in trying to uphold an image that wasn’t
true.
Have you ever tried this same approach?
Can you remember a time when you had
lost all passion for the work you were doing
but put on an image of energy and false
enthusiasm for the people around you?
Perhaps you can remember sustaining an
image in a relationship, portraying a personal connection that you no longer felt or
feigning dedication to a community service
project that, in truth, had become a dreaded
burden.
No matter when or where it happens, the
moment you shift your energy toward maintaining your image — crafting your actions
and your words to sustain the appearance of
something that isn’t true — you compromise
your most valuable attribute: the content of
your character.
If this is where you are, there are three
important things to remember.
First, the people around you usually know
the truth, in spite of your efforts to conceal it.
They have built-in radar for inconsistencies
and subtle cues that tell them the smile on
your face isn’t matched by the feeling in your
heart.
While you may not be quite ready to resign
from the job or end the relationship, you can
stop exhausting yourself to convince people
that everything is great. Instead, begin to be
more authentic in what you say and do.
Don’t say yes when you mean no, compliment only what you truly respect, and pause
to consider whether each action you are
about to take aligns with your personal values for honesty and integrity.
Second, if perfection were the requirement,
no one would succeed. All of the people
around you face their own fear of inadequacy and rejection and, like you, are tempted to
create a better version of themselves
through the image they want you to see.
But if you will begin to acknowledge your
own imperfections — that you don’t always
make the right choice and aren’t always in
control of every situation — you will not
only drop your own image and become more
authentic, you’ll set others free to accept
their imperfections as well.
Finally, remember that the image you are
sustaining is actually a reflection of the person you want to become. When you create
an image of passionate engagement with
your work, it’s because you really want your
work — and your life — to have these qualities. Instead of pretending that you love your
job, channel that same energy into a written
vision of what you really want, and then
commit to finding an opportunity that takes
you toward it.
Let this simple Latin phrase become the
standard for your life: “Esse quam videre,”
which means “To be, rather than to appear.”
When you do, you will discover that the person you truly are is actually greater than the
image you tried to create.
JIM HULING is CEO of MATRIX Resources Inc., an IT services
company that has achieved industry-leading financial growth while
receiving numerous national, regional and local awards for its
values-based culture and other work-life balance programs. The
company was recently named one of the 25 Best Small Companies
to Work for in America for the third year in a row by the Great Place
to Work Institute and the Society for Human Resource Management.
In 2005, Huling was awarded the Turknett Leadership Character
Award for outstanding demonstration of integrity, respect and
accountability. Reach him at [email protected].