Imagine having a conversation — maybe during a client meeting or with your boss or family member — during which the other person interrupts you and prevents you from sharing your full thought or comment.
Or imagine a scenario where you are talking with someone who starts looking at their phone or scanning the room, leaving you with the clear sense that they are interested in something other than your conversation. Reflect on how you felt in these scenarios. If you felt unimportant, dismissed or something similar, you are not alone.
Now imagine a different conversation in which you felt as if the other person was fully engaged in what you were saying. You could tell by their words, eye contact, facial expressions and body language that they were tuned in to your exchange and interested to know more. How did you feel in this situation? The most common response is that people report feeling good, valued and cared for.
Why is listening important?
A fundamental human need is to be understood, appreciated and feel like we belong. When we take the time to fully listen and to understand the other person, we convey that we care about them and what they have to say. Engaged listening goes beyond passively taking in sounds around us. It is about using all our senses to hear with active intention.
When you demonstrate you care enough to tune into the other person in this way, you enable them to feel seen and heard, which then opens the person up to adapt, develop, grow and flourish. Your ability to actively listen is key to your ability to effectively connect, collaborate and coach others.
How well do you listen?
As straightforward as it may sound, it is not intuitive for many people to listen more than they speak. Listening well is hard work and takes energy. Many people are distracted or listening to the conversation happening in their head and preparing what to say next.
There is another reality: Most people think that they are better listeners than they really are. How about you? How well do you listen? Here is a quick self-assessment exercise to gauge your listening habits. Read each statement and consider if “frequently,” “occasionally” or “seldom” applies to you.
- I interrupt others when they are speaking.
- I often check my phone or computer when talking with someone.
- When speaking with another person, I sometimes finish their sentences.
- My attention often turns to my thoughts during conversations.
- I make quick judgments while listening to others.
- I jump to the solution quickly when someone else is talking.
- I tend to talk more rather than listen at work.
- I tend to talk more rather than listen with my family and friends.
“Frequently” is like a red traffic light, meaning you have listening habits that are hindering your ability to connect with others, and it shows in your relationships. “Occasionally” is like a yellow caution light. It’s not flashing all the time, but when it does, you need to pay attention. A response of “Seldom” reflects a green light and a strength, meaning that you don’t struggle with the specific hindering behavior.
What can you do to listen effectively? First, commit to listening more than you speak and develop your capability for authentically connecting with others. In the words of author and educator Stephen Covey, “Seek to understand before being understood.” ●
Ellen Van Oosten is Professor of organizational behavior at Case Western Reserve University Weatherhead School of Management
