Raising kids has been, without question, the most magical, frustrating, confusing and splendid experience of my life. There is not a single aspect of who I am that has not been changed by it. That is easy to see now that the formative work is complete and we get to interact as adults. There is a divine beauty in retrospect. Separated by time from the trials of the moment, we can look back and see the work that was being done, the inner conflicts that were being resolved, the mirror that was being held up to us the entire time. It truly is the essence of “the builder builds the building, while the building builds the builder.”
I walked into parenthood the same way I walked into leadership: excited, confident and clueless. I had a vision of the parent I wanted to be, or at least I had a vision of the way I wanted to be perceived in the role. But having not been around kids much before I had three of my own, my only reference point for parenting was having been raised by one. So, by trial and error, I had to figure out how much of what worked for my folks might work for me, and vice versa.
My leadership journey has been much the same. Many early career experiences with good bosses shone a light on how I wanted to be as a boss. Conversely, I took no small share of dysfunction away from earlier bosses, just like we do with our parents. It took years for me to spot and reconcile some of those past impressions. In all cases, the people who worked with and for me were mirrors of reflection as to who I was and who I was becoming as a leader. Simply put, we are shaped by the people we lead and how we respond to them.
Perhaps the most elusive connection between parenting and leadership to discover is the way an abiding love and commitment to the people for whom we are responsible can coexist with holding them accountable. As parents, most of us fall naturally in love with our kids. We guard and protect them at all costs. But that does not mean anything goes. Sometimes we simply have to make them sit on the steps for five minutes after they kick their brother. But is there ever any question that loving them is compatible with correcting them? None at all. We might not like having to put them in time out or grounding them. We might feel like we went too hard or perhaps not hard enough. But we know the job we are trying to do and love is all around it.
As a boss, it took me years to discover the kind of gentleness that was available to me in correcting and developing employees. In fact, it really took becoming a parent to teach me how discipline, gentleness and abiding commitment to people can coexist. There is always second-guessing. There is always the one that got away from us. But learning to lead and learning to parent are so much more connected than I think we realize. Leaders, don’t forget to consider the journey of parenting as a very informative canvas of insights for the journey you’re on to lead, nurture and develop the people you are responsible for at work. ●
Daniel Flowers is President and CEO of Akron-Canton Regional Foodbank
