When a couple takes the vow of matrimony, they bring hopes and expectations to their union: eternal love, prosperity, good health and perhaps a family. Generally, those topics are explicitly discussed, both pre- and post-nuptial. Couples also bring a host of implicit expectations to their marriage that go unvoiced — until expectations are unmet. Specifically, I’m talking about expectations for work/life balance.
The most common example is “putting work ahead of family.” It starts with working late, missed children or family events and dinners, and shortened or interrupted vacations. These increase as the executive is promoted.
What starts as tension often turns into strife and damaged relationships. At a minimum, family members become highly independent and grow accustomed to the absence and unreliability of their spouse/parent.
Absences are often interpreted as “you care more about work than your family.” The executive, however, would describe it very differently.
When the executive said “I do” to his or her corporate role, it was like a marriage, with explicit conversations about pay, job duties and reporting relationships. But there also emerged a host of implicit expectations, including attendance at corporate events, customer outings and board meetings — and even willingness to relocate to other states or countries, regardless of children’s ages or a spouse’s personal priorities.
Returning to civilian life
The expectation of the corporate “I do” is to perform — doing whatever it takes, at any personal or family cost, to support and serve the company’s interests. The higher the executive rises, the more frequent the demands, and the more critical that the executive always be present.
This juggle/struggle persists until retirement, when for the first time, the executive resumes control of his or her calendar. Then, the executive often sets a new priority: family first with a constant physical presence, attending events of children and grandchildren and making up for missed family affairs.
This causes trepidation for both executive and spouse. The spouse has his or her own life, and has become highly independent and accomplished — without the constant companionship of their life partner.
There also are new dynamics and new rules of conduct as the executive re-enters the lives of his/her grown children and their families.
Finding a balance
Much like pre-nuptial conversations, a couple’s successful next season together begins with explicit conversations about goals, hopes, dreams and concerns. It starts with listening for understanding, finding commonalities and sharing ideas. A shared history can enable high-quality dialogues when approached with mutual respect and genuine openness.
This is a golden opportunity for togetherness, but it needs to be surgically managed — not dispersed like an aerosol spray, going everywhere and nowhere at the same time. A healthy independence is as essential as time together, and that balance lays the best foundation for long-term happiness.
The executive’s post-corporate season can be the best years of a couple’s life — when conversations about that phase are not left to chance. A couple can share the driver’s seat about the future, their priorities and how to spend their most precious shared resource: time.
Leslie W. Braksick, Ph.D. is a co-founder and senior partner at My Next Season, a company whose purpose is to help executives transition from careers oriented around productivity to lives anchored in purpose.
